Weaknesses

What are my weaknesses?

That’s what my dad talked about today. So I wanted to blog about it and write everything down here so that I can think through them and perhaps be a better person in the course of this blog post.

I think one of my weakness is that I’m very proud. I don’t like to appear weak or lose control. Losing control, I feel, makes me look inferior. I always want to be on top, to be right and to be the one with power (be it knowledge or whatever). I don’t like to be wrong, and it’s hard for me to admit I’m wrong. Even when I know I’m wrong, I would never come out and say it. If I’m corrected, I get defensive easily and that could lead to an argument. This is also why I don’t apologise well, even if I’m wrong, and the other party knows I’m wrong, I will skirt the issue until its forgotten and I don’t have to apologise. That’s my way of admitting I was wrong. If you received an apology from me, said to your face, then whatever I did was terrible and apologising was the only way to fix it. It’s pretty rare for me to come to you and say, ‘I’m sorry’. I don’t like doing it. I normally either skirt the issue until you forget and I never have to do it or I text it to you. hahaha that way it makes you feel better but I can detach myself to not feel like I’ve lost or I’m inferior. But I’m trying to change. I really am, I want to realise that I don’t know everything and I need to start to see the knowledge of others and what they can bring to the table. In my prideful journey, I also tend to put down others (perhaps as a way of feeling better about myself). So I want to stop that and see that people all have something to give and everyone has their own journeys and experiences that they learn from and become better and smarter. I want to be more humble.

Another thing is, I’m afraid of what others think. Like constantly. I think about how I’m presented, how I look, how others view me. It’s true, I might seem like a person who doesn’t give a flying shit about anything but I really do. I think about I’m perceived constantly. If I put this up on facebook, how am I viewed as a person by my family, friends? or wearing this makes me look a hipster? Or will I be perceived differently if I change this? This makes it very easy for people to compliment me, I get very happy and very motivated if you compliment me just in the little bit. Sometimes I wished everyone read my blog, then I could more views and more people would understand me. But I’m scared shitless to actually KNOW there are people I know reading this right now. Like my family reading this makes me edit stuff out. I want them to know but I don’t want to know they know cause it makes me write differently, say different things. I really care too much about what others think about me. What I try to do now is that if I catch myself editing or holding back on saying something, I force myself to say it. I tell myself that it will be okay, what I say is who I am and that’s how I’m gonna represent myself. I’ve learnt that I can’t change one someone thinks of me. They can think whatever they want, and it’s probably different from what I perceive myself to be. I don’t live my life to please others. I shouldn’t be, I should be living my life to live my life to the fullest.

I can be very stubborn. But I also realise that my opinions can be influences easily by others. I see myself liking things that my friends like or disliking things when people tell me bad stuff about that. I try to fight against it but it’s difficult not to be influence. For example, my family influences my opinions a lot. Like my brother and his taste in music or suraj and his crazy ideas. I’m not saying I’m a ditto (like in Pokemon), but my opinion can be easily influenced. But when I get stubborn, oh man, I’m as stubborn as a bull. I want let go and I’ll never give way. Even if I’m so wrong. But I have a friend who is now challenging what I say and what I do. It’s refreshing to have a friend who calls you out when you’re wrong and when you say things. I used to believe in many things but he has made me rethink what I say and my beliefs. So now, opinions adopted from others, I have to fight and defend them. It either makes me rethink it or feel stronger about it.

Another thing is I can get very emotional. If you get me very angry or very frustrated or sad, I’m a huge ball of crying, screaming, shouting, irrationality. I’m no good when I’m flustered. When I do lose control, I’m absolutely crazy. When you piss me off, I hold a grudge. I can get pretty intense. hahaha So I guess more control… 🙂

After writing all this down, I feel abit better. But these weaknesses, I definitely have to manage around them. I can’t let it eat me up and be some loose cannon. I shouldn’t bottle it up and make it all explode one day. I have to deal with it as it comes

You know in job interviews, when asked your weaknesses, you are expected to say, oh my, strength is my weakness, I work too hard. HAHAHA but after talking to my dad today, I realise that the opposite is true, your weakness can also be your strength. As you acknowledge your weaknesses, you become humble and you realise that you aren’t the superhero. It makes you appreciate your humanity and the people around you. You depend on people more and you aren’t independent and all powerful. I think that’s so important to learn. That we are human and we have weaknesses. But our weaknesses can make us strong.

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